1. |
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Fresh off losing my religion
And doubling down on disillusionment
The autumn ends but I’m still picking off
Layers of summer’s dead skin
Well it’s not party-punk songs about the weekend anymore, is it?
It’s panic attacks and filling prescriptions
Short changing myself and paying the difference
Conflicting logical truth and emotional fiction
Sometimes I miss it...
But that was then
And this is the continuous now
And you’ll be pushed forward whether or not
You pick your feet up off the ground
No part of this picture is set in cement
From what you’ve already forgotten
To what you hold sacred
They replaced the trees with condo complexes
And turned our root beer stand into a Dunkin'
And only for a check
Nowhere is exempt, nothing is exempt
'Cause that was then
And this is the continuous now
And you’ll be pushed forward whether or not
You pick your feet up off the ground
When I left home, I felt fully grown
Secure in those I loved and the things that I knew
Until the seasons changed and I felt the carpet pull out from under me
When I left home I felt fully grown
Secure in those I loved and the things that I knew
Until the summer came and I found out
I didn’t know a fucking thing
(I didn't know a fucking thing)
That was then
And this is the continuous now
That was then
And this is the continuous now
This is the overwhelming, terrifying
Unrelenting, mortifying
This is the wonderful
Beautiful, perpetual...
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2. |
Your Hair in the Rain
03:20
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I dreamed that I detached
Ditched the track record
And started from scratch on the west coast
And threw away my winter coat
'Cause your laugh was my favorite song back when
We drove aimlessly around the town we grew up in
Spoke of ourselves, love, and god
And all the other things we no longer believed in
What can I say about the state I’m in?
Stuck in a cheap imitation of some life that I once lived
Is it wrong to wonder if I’m someone you still miss?
Happiness was your your hair in the rain
Now everything’s different yet somehow always unchanging
And I feel that specific sense of non-specific dread
When I ponder intention and how outcome diverges
What can I say about the state I’m in?
Cracking under pressure, reduced to liquid
Happiness was my shoulder under your head
It was waking up drowsy and sore with you in a dorm bed
Happiness was your your hair in the rain
Now everything’s different yet somehow always unchanging
And I feel that specific sense of non-specific dread
When I ponder intention and how outcome diverges
I wonder how the hell I will emerge from this
(And how the hell will I emerge from this?)
Happiness was your your hair in the rain
(Happiness was your hair in the rain)
Now everything’s different yet somehow always unchanging
And I feel that specific sense of non-specific dread
(Non-specific dread)
When I ponder intention and how outcome diverges
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3. |
Recover
03:12
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Everything about me
Is everything that you can’t stand
We’re patron saints of passive aggression
Grinding teeth while holding hands
Half smiles hiding misery
Tight lips will be the death of me
I’m sorry I don’t want to be
The thorn in your side
Watch what you say when you’re saying goodbye
Before you build up an anger you can’t control
And begin to cry
Well I’m not the worst you’ve seen
One day you’ll forget me
I’ll peddle backward out of sight
Until you can breathe
Everything about us is an issue overdue
Like taking steps walking on eggshells
Just to get the best of you
I’m sorry I don’t want to be
the thorn in your side
I don’t want to be the kind of
Person people have to recover from
Watch what you say when you’re saying goodbye
Before you build up an anger you can’t control
And begin to cry
Well I’m not the worst you’ve seen
One day you’ll forget me
I’ll peddle backward out of sight
Until you can breathe
If everything burned down tonight
I’d burn to death before you let me
Put out that fire
If everything burned down tonight
I would burn to death before you
Put me out
I don’t want to be the kind of
Person people have to recover from
I don’t want to be the kind of
Person people have to recover from
If everything burned down tonight
I’d burn to death before you let me
Put out that fire
If everything burned down tonight
I would burn to death before you
Burn to death before you
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4. |
Only Greys
03:17
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I saw a ghost inside my room
It didn’t say much, just looked like you
I reacquainted myself with bare walls after taking your paintings down
Thumbtacks left holes in the drywall, but they hold up nothing now
And silence used to make sense
We shared it comfortably amongst ourselves
Now silence is a pretense
It thinly veils unknotted ends in conversations we won’t have
Found myself kneeling for the first time in years
Praying for the loss of feeling, I collapsed on the stairs
And said “if you’re still listening, and if you ever did
take her touch from my memory
Take her smile, take her laugh
Take it all and let me forget"
But I got used to loneliness
the same way a body
Gets used to pain
It dulls with age
A dislocation exposed
And covered in bandaids
It doesn’t heal
But stays in place
I saw a ghost inside my room
It didn’t say much but I wished that it would
And honestly the silence bounces off my bare walls
Far more cacophonously than your voice ever could
Found myself kneeling for the first time in years
Praying for cracks in the ceiling
for the roof to cave in
You used to say we’re all only greys
We're all the same kind of dark but in different ways
Together we’re heathered, evenly displayed
And we are seen despite the darkest of our shades
So then who is of goats and who is of sheep
If we’re holy and sinful and somewhere in between?
All I know is that I was alone and collapsing
With a fistful of pills, god still wouldn’t intervene
So I had to save me
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5. |
Connecticut
04:28
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I wake up in Connecticut
The lines of a past smile
Tattooed on my cheeks
Above my lips, around my eyes
I can taste the morning in my teeth
Can see the usual lack of sleep
I fall victim to the tangibility
I drive for hours in Connecticut
White knuckling the wheel in stand-still traffic
Anxious and erratic
And you’re unfolding in Rhode Island
Reddening face and puffy eyelids
Realizing three years of happiness perceived
Were more like years of self-confinement
Now we are fading to nothing
You slip out like smoke out my car window
I’m left high, wrestling the undertow
And I am falling to pieces
Reading into each and every meaningless word
I wake up in Connecticut
In a cold room drenched in sweat
With a text from my mom saying to “pray about it”
But I don’t think that I’m a believer
I don’t think I’m a prayer or a kneeler
And even if I were
I’m sure he’s not too keen
On taking calls from me either.
Now we are fading to nothing
You slip out like smoke out my car window
I’m left high, wrestling the undertow
And I am falling to pieces
Reading into each and every meaningless word
I wake up in Connecticut,
Alone and hungover on a
Half-deflated air mattress
I can feel you outgrowing me
Now we are fading to nothing
You slip out like smoke out my car window
I’m left high, wrestling the undertow
And I am falling to pieces
Reading into each and every meaningless word
We are fading to nothing
You slip out like a whisper unheard
Over the roar of white water
And I am shattered and spineless
Woke up years older than when I closed my eyes
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6. |
...And the Drive Home
02:20
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I could feel you outgrowing me
Just a little snug around your waist
I could see the strain of loving me
In each detail of your face
I know guilt can’t kill your hurt
But what's worth all my lessons learned?
I still see you in every bird
You still sing to me on my way to work
I could feel you outgrowing me
I could feel you outgrowing me
I could feel you outgrowing me
Now I can’t feel you
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7. |
Adhesive
03:05
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Give rest to the teeth
You squeeze your daily lies between
Inauthenticity is muffling your speech
Practice what you preach or step off the pulpit
Can’t see shit from your angle when you’re so obtuse
And articulate in anger and fluent in half-truths
Do you see me in actuality
Or do I only exist in relation to you?
How can I hold us together
When you are consistently one screw loose?
Relax your weary feet
You know that you can’t run from everything
Doesn’t mean you won’t try
But lest you forget
I was defeated, in need of a friend
Just a few feet ahead
But you don’t see a thing
Past the end of your own cigarette
Can’t see shit from your angle when you’re so obtuse
And articulate in anger and fluent in half-truths
Do you see me in actuality
Or do I only exist in relation to you?
Why should I hold us together?
Why am I the one apologizing to you?
I’m forever your adhesive
Use me at your convenience
Give rest to the teeth you squeeze your daily lies between
Give rest to the teeth you squeeze your daily lies between
I’m forever your adhesive, use me at your convenience
Give rest to the teeth you squeeze your daily lies between
I’m forever your adhesive, use me at your convenience
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8. |
Litviticus 4:20
02:22
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Hey, I heard you are forgiven
Squeaky clean, found a new life
And hey, I heard the lord is blessing us
Everyday, isn’t that nice?
Praises be to our beloved Jesus
Our gun totin’ freedom lovin’
All-American sweetheart
Who died for our sins and taught us
To harass women at abortion clinics
And exile our kids when the devil
Turns them to homosexuals
“As I have loved you
Gawk and guffaw at compassion and empathy
Scoff at immigrant kids
Roll your eyes at the impoverished”
As he so commanded
(Quote John 3:16 and back to the program)
Hey, I heard your god is rooting for
The home team and Tom Brady
While the world burns
While the world burns
While the world burns
I hope you all burn first
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9. |
Cigarettiquette
03:35
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3 sips into my 5th beer
At someone’s parents’ house
She asks about my semester
Doesn’t know that I dropped out
I’m standoffish, awkward and exhausted
Likely talking too loud
And like that, I’m back in high school
Foot planted firm in mouth
And suddenly it dawns on me
Every time that I come home
Everyone is always right where I left them
And in this moment, I’m boiling over
Everywhere but my shoulder
‘Cause they’re the same kids they were
Never grew up, just got older
A half sip left in this mess
Of crumpled aluminum
He’s cocked, now spouting off
About how no one’s fair to Trump
And do I choose to leave the room
or tear into what I assume
Is a mind made up and set in stone?
I should just get up
I should just go home
And honestly I’m
Well aware I am the buzzkill at parties 'cause
“It’s not that deep, man”
And “you know that’s not the way that he meant it”
So why am I talking politics
With some bird-chested bigot with shit cigarettiquette
A Massachusettsian proud confederate
They’re the same kids they were
Never grew up just got older
And I probably should’ve just stayed home
And no I haven't forgotten
The errors of my youth
They never leave me
Fuck who I used to be
Fuck who we used to be
3 sips into a cold brew
Nursing a dull headache
You ask how I’m doing
It’s the same shit, a different day
I’m dreaming of the backseat
with my best friends and the highway
'Til then I’m clocking out and in
Again and again and again and again
And honestly I’m
(And suddenly)
well aware I am the buzzkill at parties 'cause
(It dawns on me)
Because “it’s not that deep, man”
(Every time that I come home)
And “you know that’s not the way that he meant it”
(Everyone is always right where I left them)
So why am I talking politics
(And in this moment)
With some bird-chested bigot with shit cigarettiquette
(I’m boiling over)
A Massachusettsian proud confederate
(Everywhere but my shoulders)
They’re the same kids they were
Never grew up, just got older
Never grew up, just got older
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10. |
In Ribcages
03:25
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The winter ripped into the northeast
Oppressive conditions, packed ice on the streets
And we all waited with baited breath
For a change in the weather, to feel warm again
But now we’re living in a
Good ol’ fashioned New England sweat hell
Aggressively humid and seemingly endless
We take refuge inside air conditioned rooms
Listen to records, sleep away our afternoons
There’s a story of a summer spent inside
In isolation told by your tan lines
Always level-headed and empathetic
Playing therapist to fair-weather friends
They’re so vacant
Cobwebs in ribcages
Their problems are petty
They’re vapid and thoughtless
We used to agonize over the miles
That separated our states
But now we’re old enough to realize
The worst kind of distance is from inches away
There’s a story of a summer spent inside
In isolation told by your tan lines
Always level-headed and empathetic
playing therapist to fair-weather friends
They’re so vacant
Cobwebs in ribcages
Their problems are petty
(You love them selflessly)
They’re vapid and thoughtless
(And they’re leaving you empty)
I’m starting to think we’re all ex-friends and former lovers
Recovering from one another and fucking up is just inevitable
“I wish I saw what my friends see in me”
I used to rot under blankets thinking the same things
My teenage eyes wouldn’t recognize me
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11. |
Plan B
03:13
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I emerge fresh-faced and effervescent
From the flaming car wreck of my shit adolescence
Wincing, spitting teeth out
Beaming with a bloody mouth ‘cause
What doesn’t kill you counts as progression
I used to say you were my plan A
And banked on you shouldering my weight
Prolonged the inevitable
And never prepared for the worst case
(I’m no optimist)
I’m no optimist but
Who has ever lived and never lost a thing?
(I’m no optimist)
And I will forgive myself
For every false step and stupid mistake
And I am fresh faced and effervescent
Generally anxious and major depressive
Still fighting cynicism, overly self critical
Finding liberation in lack of direction
Direction
(I’m no optimist)
I’m no optimist but who has ever lived and never lost a thing?
(I’m no optimist)
I’m no optimist but when I’m happy, I’m so fucking happy
(I’m no optimist)
I’m no optimist but I’ve come too far to just admit defeat, yeah
(I’m no optimist)
I’m not optimist but this is my Plan B
And I am fresh-faced and effervescent
Lonely, tired, beat down, and stressed out
But I’ll still sing with a broken jaw
If it’ll mend the soul of someone else
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